Archive for the 'Lists' Category

Today’s list: fashion trends that really need to just GO AWAY already

Published on September 6, 2010 in General and Lists. 0 Comments Tags: .

1. Ugg boots. The clue’s in the name, people. These things are U-G-L-Y. And they get even uglier after a couple of months of shuffling around on the pavement wearing down the heels (and making that insanely annoying sshhk-sshhk sound). If you must wear them, at least pair them with jeans – do not, I repeat DO NOT wear them with a miniskirt and a sparkly top, like you’re about to go out to a nightclub but have somehow tragically morphed into a Muppet from the knees down.

2. Leggings. Jesus Christ, can we move on please? They looked like shit in the eighties, and they look like shit now. And in case you were wondering, they don’t count as trousers. No, no they don’t. Nobody needs that much information about your anatomy. At least wear a skirt over them, or risk unflattering comparisons of a dromedary nature.

3. That weird hairstyle all the young girls seem to be sporting – extremely low side parting, fringe drooping over the eyes, and the rest looking as though it’s been styled by letting a ferret nest in it. Why? WHY? Is ‘seriously unkempt’ the new black?

4. Ankle boots. SIGH. Even if you have legs like Barbie, these make you look stumpy. Can you not see this, people? Just because they’re for sale in H&M doesn’t mean they’re not hideous.

5. Jumpsuits. Here is a quote from Spaced, possibly the best TV show of all time, that sums up the case against jumpsuits:
Tim: So how does it feel to be twenty-six?
Daisy: Uh…a bit gassy.
Tim: Oh, well, you’re getting old. You’d be dead in four years. If this was Logan’s Run.
Daisy: That would be terrible.
Tim: I know. I look like a twat in a jumpsuit.
Daisy: Don’t say that, Tim. That’s a word that hates women.
Tim: What? ‘Twat’?
Daisy: No, ‘jumpsuit’.

Morbid list

Published on May 5, 2010 in Lists. 0 Comments Tags: , .

TODAY’S LIST: my morbid fascinations…

1. Plagues! Did you know that typhoid can cause black blood to ooze from your nose? IT’S TRUE! And did you know that during the Black Death, freshly killed pigeons were applied to bubonic swellings to ‘draw out’ the disease? I sometimes think that Ye Olde Apothecaries were sniggering behind their hands when they suggested this stuff.

2. Soviet Russia. Especially under Stalin (approximate death toll 20 million. Say what you will, the man got a lot done in a day). I find it fascinating how Stalin managed to foster an atmosphere of such intense paranoia that even families turned on each other. He basically created a self-opressing society, which you have to admit is genius in an evil sort of way. Also, the Soviet Union had the best, and I mean the BEST, propaganda art. If I could base my political affiliation on artistic output alone, and not on a proven track record of effective social administration, I would run out and join the Communist Party right now.

3. Forensic science. Though I think CSI sucks (Silent Witness is much better. Sorry). I would honestly love to poke at cadavers all day, and I would ESPECIALLY love to have access to a body farm (I mean, come ON, right?). Sadly, I am not scientifically inclined (all that exactitude and having to do things the ‘correct’ way every single time is so oppressive, man), so my career in the coroner’s office is probably a non-starter.

4. Serial killers. Hollywood owes a lot to Ed Gein, I’ll tell ya. There’s a certain amount of creativity that goes into fashioning furniture covers out of human skin. Maybe deep down he was just an extremely, extremely, EXTREMELY frustrated interior designer?

5. Cults. I occasionally long to surrender myself utterly to an arbitrary ideal. But then I remember that I hate being told what to do, and that the only thing I hate more than being told what to do is acoustic singalongs and group hugs. So scratch that. But I’m very glad that Scientology exists, because the fact that educated adults voluntarily give money to a ‘religion’ that was admittedly invented by a science fiction writer and claims that humans are actually the spirits of SPACE ALIENS trapped in physical bodies, while depressing, is also totally hilarious. Carry on, Scientology! You can rob John Travolta fucking blind for all I care.

Happy springtime list!

Published on April 28, 2010 in General and Lists. 2 Comments Tags: , .

TODAY’S LIST: Things that have been making me very happy indeed in recent weeks…

1. Spring! Spring is here! It was quite a “long”, “cold” winter this year (as a Canadian I’m legally obligated to use quotation marks when referring to winters that don’t claim human casualties), and spring was very sudden and VERY welcome. Cambridge is lovely in the spring. And I mean seriously lovely, like almost dangerously so: every day when I’m driving home from work around the back of King’s College I get hugely distracted by the profusion of greenery and flowers and strapping college lads in exercise gear. NICE.

2. A Fish Called Wanda. Lately I can’t stop watching it. It’s all about Kevin Kline, man. Shitting Christ he’s funny in that film. He is SO. GODDAMN. FUNNY. The look on his face when he first hears Michael Palin’s stutter. The armpit-sniffing. The ninja shoulder-roll he does when he’s outside John Cleese’s house and hears him breaking in. “WAKE UP, LIMEY FISH!” The famous O-face. Every second he’s onscreen he’s so flippin’ hilarious I almost can’t stand it. Simon has been quite happy to watch and re-watch the film with me, because he has an enormous stonker for Jamie Lee Curtis. In fact, in our house she’s known as Jamie Like-‘er-Tits. Hahaaa!

3. Robyn Hitchcock’s new album. We went to see him again recently, and he was marvellous as always. I’ve seen him four times now, and I’ve never seen him play the same song twice. (However, I have seen him wear the same shirt three times out of four. Robyn, I hope you have several changes of black-and-white polka dot shirt, or a very good dry cleaner.) Simon downloaded the new album, Propellertime, and while it’s no Goodnight Oslo (his previous album), which is so mindbogglingly good it deserves its own lengthy post, and possibly a commemorative statue, it is wonderful and a perfect springtime soundtrack. His songs are perfectly formed, sweet, and devilishly catchy to an almost McCartney-ish degree: the litmus test being that you WILL find yourself singing along, helplessly, to at least one track off the album the very first time you hear it. And such happy melodies! He can put together a chord progression that will make you want to run out into the street and hug a stranger. EVIL. His lyrics, of course, are madder than a mad thing made of mad, but have their own internal logic and recurring themes like mortality, religion, and bees. I think of him as a surrealist existentialist. One of my favourite snippets off the new album: “…God has many names / One of them is Mr Spinks / And one of them is God / Mira fishes off the rocks / For the Da Vinci cod.” May Mr Spinks bless you and keep you, Robyn Hitchcock!

Lebowskilist

Published on April 13, 2010 in General and Lists. 0 Comments Tags: .

TODAY’S LIST: Big Lebowski quotes I have a hard time keeping myself from saying at work:

“He’s a good man. And thorough.” (Actually I lost the battle on this one today.)
“You’re not privy to all the new shit.”
“AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES?”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.”
“You fucked it up! YOU FUCKED IT UP!”

Collage sheet – Loteria Cards Part 1

Published on February 17, 2010 in Collage sheets and Lists. 0 Comments Tags: .

Simon has recently returned from a two-week holiday in the States, mostly spent snowboarding at Lake Tahoe. I did not accompany him because a) snowboarding NO NO NO and b) house to myself for two weeks OH YES PLEASE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Here is a list of things I’ve done in his absence:

1) Survived for nearly a week solely on ramen noodles, frozen pizza, processed cheese slices and SMASH! (If loving Smash is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. I especially love the name – as in: “Wot’s that then?” “S’mash, innit?”) Apparently when left on my own I revert to a collegiate diet.
2) Created an unholy mess, just because I could. We’re talking dinner plates left on the floor near the sofa, a trail of dirty clothes leading from bathroom to bedroom, the whole shmessy shebang. There’s something comforting about wallowing in your own filth, isn’t there?
3) Got bored of unholy mess and cleaned the living fuck out of the house. I did a full Clean Sweep on my studio: pulled everything out of every drawer, spread it all out on the floor, then sorted, labelled, filed, rearranged, recycled, reframed and repurposed to my little heart’s content. I even went so far as to cover shoe boxes in decorative paper to make prettier storage for my shelves. Like Martha Stewart on Methedrine, I was. I went at it for a solid eight hours at least.
4) Developed a painful crick in my neck due to manic eight-hour cleaning frenzy.
5) Made some new paintings! Since Adobe came along and blew my mind, I’ve worked pretty much exclusively in digital. Painting is just way too slow, TOO SLOW! and not editable enough. When I do paint, it’s mostly just to make passably look-at-able things to fill gaps on the walls. But last week I got an itchy paintbrush finger, so I hauled all my paints and jars and brushes and canvases down to the lounge and sat in front of the telly til the wee hours painting painting painting and now I have THREE new pieces to hang up. I’d forgotten how much fun it is to pick bits of gesso out of my hair.
6) Watched procedural dramas non-stop until my eyes bled.

The list of things I did NOT do during Simon’s absence includes working, blogging (natch), and running around the house in my pants like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, which I totally wanted to do but was stopped by a lack of hardwood flooring and Y-fronts.

Here’s a new collage sheet. I’m really excited about this one – ever since the lovely and talented Emily turned me on to Loteria cards, I’ve been trying to think of a way to incorporate them into my artwork. This is the first in a series of collage sheets based on the classic Don Clemente set of cards – I’ve taken the traditional images and made them into original collages using genuine vintage illustrations. See my Etsy shop for details…


Loteria Cards – Part 1

I give you…the Meta-List!

Published on January 22, 2010 in Collage sheets, Etsy and Lists. 1 Comment

This is a lazy, lazy post: a list made up of other lists. These are some of my favourite McSweeney’s lists. (I have a big website crush on McSweeney’s. McSweeney’s is cool.)

1. Things Not Overheard at a Conceptual-Art Gallery Opening (“Well, that’s obvious, but what do the other three midgets represent?”)
2. Actual Superheroes From the Pages of International and Obscure Comic Books Who Are Unlikely to See Their Origin Stories Developed Into Movies (“Canadian Ninja”)
3. My Attempt to Further Depress a Particularly Unfunny List, Sent to Me by Someone at Work, by Making Random Remarks (“Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. This would make an interesting TV sitcom.“)
4. YouTube Comment or e.e. cummings? (“stunned. i. am. stunned. every question speaks to us”)
5. Things Koala Bears Would Say (“No, you’re the cutest ever.”)
6. Terrible Poetry Jokes (“POUND (to Whitman): Shut the fuck up.”)

…and some of my favourite Book of Ratings lists. (O Lorre! Whither have you departed? Come back and carry on rating my world!)
1. The A-Team (“If you’re going to name yourself after a body part, make it one you can hit people with.”)
2. Artificial People (“Remove their heads so we can see what we’d look like in an Old Navy jacket after the revolution comes and we’re beheaded for wearing an Old Navy jacket.”)
3. Hobo Signs: part 1, part 2, part 3 (“You’d think the symbol for ‘man with gun’ would have something at least vaguely resembling a man or a gun. This looks more like the symbol for ‘moose in a tent.’”)
4. Canadian Snack Foods (“It’s like really gross food, only made by Jesus.”)
5. Apes and Monkeys (“Excuse me, Mr. Rampaging Killer? Why don’t you put down the gun and take a look at this hand-held monkey?”)

Things, revisited

Published on April 20, 2009 in Lists. 0 Comments Tags: .

TODAY’S LIST: things, revisited, that were even better than I remembered them…

1. Galaxy Quest. I hadn’t seen this in donkey’s years, and I recently watched it again, and HA! It is so brilliant! It’s a great send-up of Trekkie culture, but even if you were never into the whole Star Trek thing (though I have to admit shamefacedly that I was, before I found better things to do, like having sex), it’s still totally accessible. Even Tim Allen is fantastic in this movie, and I admit to generally finding him about as amusing as a crotch full of bees. Tony Shalhoub of course is awesome, and Sam Rockwell is enjoyable as the ‘extra’ who is convinced he’s going to get killed, because that’s what happens to extras in sci fi shows, right? (Hey, whatever happened to Sam Rockwell? He was everywhere for a while, and then he dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe the sell-by date on his ‘braying spazzo’ schtick expired.) I never understood why Galaxy Quest didn’t get more attention when it came out – although it probably had something to do with the trailer, which was basically thirty seconds of Tim Allen running away from CG aliens. DON’T get me started on inaccurate movie trailers. DO go watch Galaxy Quest.

2. The Stone Roses’ first album. Simon recently unearthed a big bag of old cassette tapes from somewhere, and I pinched a few to play in my car. I hadn’t heard any Stone Roses in ages, and dang if it doesn’t have me thumping my steering wheel on my way to work. So jingly-jangly! Such pretty harmonies! Although I could really do without the half hour of noodling at the end of Waterfall. The first five minutes are great, but when they start playing the guitar track backward I generally hit the fast forward button.

3. The Witches of Eastwick (original book version). As far as I know, this is the only John Updike book I’ve ever read. I guess I should amend that, especially since he just died, and has therefore automatically gained at least five credibility points (ONLY KIDDING). I hadn’t read WoE in, oh, probably fifteen years? and the only thing I really remembered about it was that it was nothing at all like the film (like, at ALL). I do really like the film (especially Jack Nicholson’s monologue in the church: “Why is it that when we screw up, it’s called evil, but when GOD screws up, it’s called ‘nature’?”), but the book is much more mature and complex and subtle. Updike writes women well, and there are some interesting ideas in the book about female power. His prose is a bit…acrobatic – you either like his style or you don’t – but one way or another it’s impressive.

4. The Kids in the Hall. Sadly, virtually unknown over here in England. I was feeling nostalgic the other day and treated myself to the complete box set on impulse. I really hadn’t watched any KITH since I was a kid, and DAMN I’m enjoying it (especially season 2). It’s manically surreal in an almost British way, if you know what I mean. (And that’s a compliment, comedy-wise.) “People don’t respect me because they know I got the monkeys. They respect me because they know I’ll let the monkeys loose.”