Monthly Archive for December, 2009

Reasons I Love Britain Nos. 16,354 & 16,355

Published on December 18, 2009 in Collage sheets and General. 0 Comments Tags: .

No. 16,354: Is this getting press anywhere outside the UK? Every year in Britain there is a publicised battle for the number one Christmas hit single, as judged by sales. For the past several years, the battle has been easily won by the winner of the X Factor. This year, one couple got so sick of Simon ‘Twat’ Cowell’s merchandising machine that they started a Facebook campaign encouraging people to go out and buy ‘Killing In The Name’ by Rage Against The Machine instead of whatever dreck the X Factor happens to churn out. You remember ‘Killing In The Name’ – it’s the one with the repeated refrain “Fuck you! I won’t do what you tell me!” Awesome. And as of right now, Rage Against The Machine are beating [X Factor schlock-monger whose name I can’t be bothered to look up] by 60,000 singles. OH YEAH. I am SO buying a copy. Fight the good fight!

No. 16,355: When the credit crunch hit, Radio 4’s flagship Serious News Programme, ‘PM’, introduced a daily segment about the current financial situation. They invited listeners to suggest names for the new feature, and the winner, awesomely, was ‘Upshares, Downshares’. They even started playing a bit of the ‘Upstairs, Downstairs’ theme song to introduce the segment.

At some point, some listener sent in the original version of the theme song, which was played on that evening’s programme. Then someone sent in another version, or their own version, or something – this was also played on the air, with a comment from Eddie ‘Sexy Voice’ Mair saying thanks very much, but please stop sending in new versions of the theme now.

Being the contrary sort (see above), this lit a fire under the British public, and the homemade versions started pouring in in their thousands. The BBC conceded defeat, and now every day they feature a new listener-contributed interpretation of the theme (keep in mind this is the Straight-Faced News Programme, during which Eddie Mair REGULARLY causes experienced politicians to stutter in desperation during interviews). Recent styles have included retro-futuristic disco synth-pop, mariachi, traditional hand bells, and a lovely rendition tonight on an Irish bouzouki (different from the Greek bouzouki in having a flat instead of a rounded back. Apparently). This coming Monday the programme is featuring an interview with the composer of the ‘Upstairs, Downstairs’ theme, in which they will play him several of the versions sent in by the listeners.

How utterly, delightfully bonkers. THIS COUNTRY.

More gift tags…see my Etsy shop for details…

Print-your-own gift tags

Published on December 15, 2009 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Today’s list: Four Things I’d Like To Do Before I Die…
1. Walk down the street in slow motion wearing sunglasses and biker boots to a soundtrack of ‘Kashmir’ by Led Zeppelin. (Or ‘Cashmere’, as I prefer to think of it: a hard rock ode to the comforts of soft wooly jumpers.)
2. Meet someone walking a ferret on a lead, so I can say “Nice marmot.”
3. Throw a good left hook.
4. Touch Jon Spencer. (Preferably while he’s sweaty.) I mean, HELLO.

Now available in my shop: a set of print-your-own holiday gift tags! Click for details…

Nacho suicide

Published on December 2, 2009 in Cafepress and General. 0 Comments Tags: , .

Yesterday I FINALLY got round to getting myself a library card. I don’t know how I’ve survived this long without one. Oh wait – yes I do: by buying the shit out of used books on Amazon. You’re welcome, Amazon sellers. But now I have a library card, which brings me much joy! I can get through a 400-page book in a day quite easily, and often do, so libraries are almost sacred places to me. You can take home any book you want and read it for free! I love browsing for books, and just picking out anything that looks like it might be good, without feeling like it has to be something momentous that I really want to read or else I will be wasting my money. I can pick something out just because it looks vaguely interesting without feeling any pressure to enjoy it! Free books for free!

I walked out of the library with a big ol’ comforting stack of books, then stopped in at a pub to read for an hour or so and wait out the rush hour before going home. I ordered some nachos, because I hate myself. There are a few seemingly simple North American dishes that the British simply can’t get their heads round, and nachos is one of them. (Caesar salads are another.) Ordering nachos in a British pub is always a fresh adventure in disappointment. Here is how to make nachos, British-stylee:

1. Place stale tortilla chips in a bowl. The bowl is crucial in order to allow the maximum number of chips to avoid contact with any sort of topping.
2. Place the tiniest, most meagre sprinkling of cheese on the top layer of chips ONLY.
3. Microwave.
4. Allow nachos to cool. This ensures that the thin film of melted cheese will solidify into a plasticky shell, holding the top layer of chips together as a solid mass – akin to roof tiles – and ensuring that not so much as a drop of any other foodstuff will penetrate to the layers below.
5. Spoon some cold salsa out of a jar over the top of your nachos. If you don’t have salsa, or have never heard of salsa, tomato relish will do just as well.
6. If you’re feeling generous, include a tiny paper cup of sour cream.
7. Enjoy picking apart the tepid, rigid crust! As an added bonus, the stale, microwaved tortilla chips will crumble liberally on your clothing and rip the hell out of the inside of your mouth.

I have been served many variations on this theme since I moved to England, but never, not once, have I ever been pleasantly surprised and served a PROPER PLATE OF NACHOS. They simply don’t exist in this country.

I remember fondly the nachos at Morgan’s Pub in Calgary, on 17th Avenue. Man, those were some good nachos. For $7.50 you got a basket of tortilla chips about two feet across, smothered, and I mean smothered, in melted cheese, green onions and tomatoes. For a dollar extra you could get spicy chicken or beef on top. It came with sour cream and freshly made salsa, with lots of coriander.

Sadly, I didn’t get to enjoy the nacho experience at Morgan’s quite as often as I’d have liked due to the live music in the bar every night, which always consisted of a covers band who would crank out the Latest Jukebox Hits at maximum eardrum-imploding volume for a crowd of Chipsters in backwards baseball caps and No Fear T-shirts who would “WHOOOOOOO!” at the top of their lungs and fling themselves against the speakers in furious Bacchanalian abandon at the opening strains of Blur’s ‘Song 2’. Christ it was depressing. At least you don’t get that sort of thing in England. The nachos are a small sacrifice.

I’ve been tarting up my Cafepress shop a bit – and I’ve got a few new Christmas card designs on offer…