Everybody knows the good guys lost

1. So if you play an album on Spotify, after the album ends, Spotify will carry on playing tracks from other artists that I guess it thinks are similar and you might like. And you know what? Most of the time I like them plenty. Apparently my musical taste can be predicted by an algorithm.

2. Remember the guy I kept having to say hi to on my way to and from work? This got so annoying that I actually started getting up earlier, and believe me, it takes a LOT to make me get up any earlier than I absolutely have to. I now arrive at and leave work ten minutes early just so I can avoid the uncomfortable half-hearted greeting twice a day. I guess social awkwardness trumps sleepiness on my personal Maslow pyramid of irritations.

3. My last two online dates have been especially fun. Date number one was a conspiracy theorist. And not a casual, what-if, weekend conspiracy theorist: no, a full-on, hardcore true believer. (I asked if he believed in lizard people, expecting him to say “No, of course not, that’s ridiculous” but he said “Well…the lizard thing is a metaphor to describe how ruthless they are.” Of course! That makes sense.) I put up the usual “three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead” arguments and basically sat there with one eyebrow raised throughout the conversation, trying (and often failing) not to laugh in his face. He said that he used to be as skeptical as I was, but that he’d seen an incredibly reasonable and well presented documentary with one particular piece of evidence that he said went through him like an electrical shock and made him start shaking. Of course I asked him what this irrefutable lynchpin of evidence was, but he refused to tell me on the grounds that it had messed with his head so much that he’d nearly had a breakdown, and he didn’t want to be responsible for the same thing happening to me. What a gentleman. I guess I’ll have to stay in the Matrix. No red pill for me.

Date number two was a nice enough guy, if a bit dull, but he had some sort of unfortunate patchy skin condition and a VERY lazy eye. I spent the evening trying to avoid making eye contact because I wasn’t sure which one was looking at me. I mean, I like to think I’m not shallow about looks, and poor guy, but maybe use some clear and accurate profile photos? This is not a few extra pounds. You are goddamn crosseyed as a Siamese cat.

I’m starting to feel like my whole online dating experience is an elaborate prank.

4. Jidenna is weapons-grade cool. And doesn’t he look like he smells good? I bet he smells good.

And man, what a tune. It gets a lot done with very little (ditto the video, actually).

5. I’ve read Wuthering Heights at least three times, and every time I’m freshly amazed at how brutal it is. If you haven’t read it, it is not a sweet love story. I’m astonished it even got published back then. Here’s some of the more fucked-up shit Heathcliff does in Wuthering Heights:

  • Kidnaps a sixteen-year-old girl while her father is dying and forces her to marry her cousin
  • Pins a dude down and bashes his head against a stone floor until he’s unconscious
  • Hangs a dog
  • Beats seven shades of shit out of his wife, including throwing a knife at her head
  • Digs up Catherine’s grave and crawls into her coffin

If you haven’t seen the 2011 film version of Wuthering Heights, do. It’s primal. It’s like the raw, scraped bones of the story. It got right into my head, to the point where I had messed-up dreams afterwards.

6. So. I guess I have to mention Trump. (Do I have to, though? Can’t I just pretend none of this is happening?) I have honestly never been so glad that I don’t have children. I’m worried enough about everyone else’s kids. The leader of the free world is stacking his government with LITERAL FUCKING NAZIS. I know that every generation since the stone age has been convinced that the end is nigh, but for real, the end is extremely fucking nigh.

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