This is what happens when I get bored near a biro.

So hey, I’m having a month-long BUY ONE GET ONE FREE sale. You heard it here first, people! That works out to fifty whole percent off, for those of you who are rubbish at maths! Go forth to my Etsy shop and fill your boots.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I’ve spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman’s arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn’t even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it’s only because I wanted children.

Extra points for appropriate use of semicolon, apostrophes and the word ‘tinkywinkleton’.

Oh, and also:

HA AHA HAHA HAHAHAHAAA

He had a brief honeymoon with Radio One that turned into a kind of sado-masochistic marriage. Waking early in the hotel on that first morning, he had flicked on his transistor and listened to what he took, at the time, to be a very funny parody of the worst kind of American AM radio, based on the simple but effective formula of having non-commercial commercials. Instead of advertising products, the disc-jockey advertised himself – pouring out a torrent of drivel generally designed to convey what a jolly, amusing and lovable guy he was – and also advertised his listeners, every one of whose names and addresses he seemed determined to read out over the air, plus, on occasion, their birthdays and car registration numbers. Now and again he played musical jingles in praise of himself or reported, in tones of unremitting jollity, a multiple accident on the freeway. There was almost no time left for playing records. It was a riot. Morris thought it was a little early in the morning for satire, but listened entranced. When the programme finished and was followed by one of exactly the same kind, he began to get restive. The British, he though, must be gluttons for satire: even the weather forecast seemed to be some kind of spoof, predicting every possible combination of weather for the next twenty-four hours without actually committing itself to anything specific, not even the existing temperature. It was only after four successive programmes of almost exactly the same formula – DJ’s narcissistic gabble, lists of names and addresses, meaningless anti-jingles – that the awful truth dawned on him: Radio One was like this all the time.

Yes, that’s pretty accurate. Thank God for Radio Six.

2. You wouldn’t think ‘MILF’ would need disambiguation on Wikipedia, but apparently it does. Those Filipino Islamist dudes must be like so annoyed.

3. Speaking of Wikipedia, did you know that there’s a Scots Wikipedia? Here’s the entry on ‘soond’. “Bi uisin soond, baests cans hear pheesical phenomena an syne get tae sauftie.” Aw, that’s nice.

4. April showers can piss off, quite frankly. Did you know we’re officially having a drought? Hard to tell with all the RAIN. I know that England + Rain = DUH, but this is getting ridiculous. I’m growing mould.

Amiright?!?!?!?

All in all though, it’s been worth it watching TVD if only because it caused me to stumble across Thomas Galvin’s super awesome recaps:

Stefan: Alaric, please. I murdered more people than you when I got coffee this morning. If their name isn’t in the opening credits it doesn’t count.

Elena: Don’t worry Alaric! I’m gonna call Bonnie! She’s a witch! She can fix Magic Rings of Sometimes Not Dying with her brain!

Alaric: …I’m screwed, aren’t I?

Finn: I’ll never help you, Klaus! We are all an abomination, and must be destroyed!

Klaus: Yeah yeah yeah … but what if I offered you a wooden facsimile of a love interest?

Sage: Hi Finn! Let’s rape someone!

Finn: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to receive your URK!

Sage: Surprise sex is the best sex!

I love this guy.

And for you steampunk rockers, here’s a new digital collage sheet: Steampunk Vignettes, 1x2in – great for domino tile pendants. Click here to view on Etsy.

1. Titanic. Why would I watch this? I already know how it ends. THE BOAT SINKS. Maybe they should have changed the name so it wouldn’t be so easy to guess the ending? Bet you wish you’d thought of that, James Cameron!!!

2. Grease. Never seen it, never will. But wait, everyone is shouting! Grease is so awesome! Well, everyone, I’ll have to take your word for it, because I can’t stand musicals. Spontaneous song-and-dance numbers make me uncomfortable. So does John Travolta’s chin.

3. Schindler’s List. Nazis and Jews and concentration camps, oh my! I don’t do well with WWII stuff.

4. 127 Hours. Or Open Water, of any of those Bad Things Happen in the Great Outdoors movies. Nature is dangerous, y’all! If you choose to wander out into the middle of nowhere and unbelievably horrific stuff happens to you, that is your lookout. I’m not interested in watching the fallout.

5. Saw. Any of ‘em. Or Hostel. Torture porn in general, though I’m undecided on watching Martyrs. I like gore, don’t get me wrong, but the whole point of these movies seems to be to sit through them so you can say you’ve sat through them. The cinematic equivalent of stubbing a cigarette out on your hand to prove you’re hard. No thanks.

Now some new printable tags: pretty oval frames with vintage images – bee, rose, dress form, mask, moon & star, flower, inkwell and seahorse. Click here to view on Etsy.

I KNOW, RIGHT? Check it out:

I love this stuff so much you guys!!! Man I wish I could design things like this…

The book includes some awesome work safety posters, too. Don’t they make you feel totes enthused about wearing a hard hat?

A girl can never have too many art books. Like a good possum, I read the introduction before diving in, and like any decent modern art book introduction, it’s properly impenetrable:

All of these images form part of a system, all come together, as in a painting by Arcimboldo, to form a face, a matrix, and, at the same time, a synthesis, an equation in which the unknown is the future. This futuristic mythology flows abundantly into the collective imaginary, like a single dream dreamt over and over again, an imago mundi, a script tied to the parameters of a hypnotic dynamism.

GOOD TO KNOW.

Here’s a new set of printable tags – spooky Victorian houses. Click here to view on Etsy.

QUICK! CREATE A DIVERSION! It makes me think that a couple of Looney Tunes characters must be scampering off the other way.

And now, some Zombie Victorians. First, a new postcard, available in my Zazzle shop – a pretty lady from a Victorian painting lovingly embellished with decomposition and blood spatter. Click here to view on Zazzle.

…And for crafters, here’s a digital collage sheet of 3.8″ x 3.8″ images – perfect to transfer to coasters. Click here to view on Etsy.

Here’s the man himself, rock and rolling like it’s going out of style. You wouldn’t believe the ruckus they can put up with only two guitars and a stripped-down drum kit. My ears are still ringing. WITH HAPPINESS.

…And here’s the opening band, Mama Rosin – a punk zydeco ensemble from Switzerland. Naturally. Great fun. (Photo credits: Simon’s iPhone.)

(Yeah, that’s his wife. Bitch.)

And now watch, listen, and envy me. The Blues Explosion are a delicious hot mess.

Jon Spencer blues explosion – She said by bebepanda

How can you not love a band who starts a song with “Baby baby, you sure like to FUCK!”?

*I love that expression. I stole it from one of my ex-boyfriends, and it’s the one good thing I ever got from him. Well, that and he introduced me to the Angry Samoans, though for ages I thought he was saying “Angry Simones”. (With Simone Weil on bass and Simone de Beauvoir on vocals! Give it up!)

As it happens, I also closed my Folksy shop this week. I hadn’t had a single sale since they revamped their sections, and was losing money every month on listing fees. Bum. So from now on I’m going to concentrate only on my Etsy shop.

Oh and my Zazzle shop of course! Speaking of which, here’s a new digital collage available as a print, either framed, unframed or on canvas.

The Incident Board – click to view on Zazzle