Nothing as it happens

1. Today is a good day to die. So was yesterday, and Wednesday, and Tuesday, and Monday. It’s been a long old week at the funeral-stationery coalface. Lotta corpses. Please everyone feel better! My eyes are tired.

2. A thing I hate in movies is when someone has to dig a grave (because sometimes you need a grave dug), and it takes like an hour and is a perfect straight-edged six-foot hole. Do you know how LONG that would take and how DIFFICULT it would be? SO long. SO difficult. There’s a reason ‘gravedigger’ is a proper paid job and you don’t just rock up with a shovel on the day of a funeral.

Another TV/film trope that makes me laugh: “STAY WITH ME!” Someone always be shoutin’ this whenever a character gets shot or otherwise severely injured. Does this work? I don’t think it is a valid substitute for medical treatment. If it were, medical school would be a whole lot easier. Death after all can be averted by a bit of stern admonition. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! I MEAN THAT LITERALLY!

3. It has been a hot, sticky summer, and as a result we have thunder flies. Also known as ‘thrips’ – they’re tiny, tiny little bugs that land on you and cause a very tiny, very maddening tickling sensation. And once you’ve noticed two or three of them, you begin to imagine that they are all over you. I am imagining them on my neck and arms and in my hair and on my face. I am twitching and pawing at myself like a mad person. I am Stalin and they are saboteurs: I’m convinced they are everywhere, and they must die. (Or if I could somehow arrange for them to be rounded up and made to perform forced labour – minor cleaning tasks, maybe? – that would be even better, but the logistics are challenging.) In general I am over this whole ‘proper summer’ thing and would prefer to go back to the fitful, mostly rainy, insect-light non-season that ordinarily passes for summer on this island.

4. Aaaaaaannnnnnnd that’s all I’ve got. With being very busy during the day and having a proper holiday coming up in two weeks (!!!!!! – more on that later), I am feeling distracted and not managing to be very creative in the evenings. I’m giving myself official permission to be crap until September. More nothing as it happens!

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