Hey, remember how I sometimes make things? Yeah, it’s been a while. But I’ve had real fun with this one: Victorian portrait paintings embellished with Day of the Dead skull makeup and roses. Each image measures 2.5″x3.5″. Click here to view in my Etsy shop.
1. I’ve already posted this on Facebook and on Twitter, and it’s all over the internet like white on rice, but I have to post it again because it is the funniest, funniest, funniest thing EVAHHHH. Even if you’ve never seen and don’t care at all about Game of Thrones you need to watch this. WATCH IT I SAY.
“They’re just baby cats! Jeeeeez.”
2. As usual I am anticipating zero trick-or-treaters for Halloween this year, even though I live in a block of flats with tons of kids. Mostly Polish kids. My neighbours are like 85% Polish. (Handy if I ever need to borrow a cup of pickled cabbage.) (WHICH I MIGHT. I love pickled cabbage.) Do the Poles celebrate Halloween? Or do they HATE FUN like the Brits? Nine years and counting in the UK and I have never had a single trick-or-treater. (Though I secretly hope that this is because all the neighbourhood kids are avoiding the scary lady.) More candy for me, LOSERS.
3. Watching American Horror Story: Asylum the other day (aliens and possessed nuns and mutant medical experiments, oh my!) and this happened:
Me: That would be Shylock Holmes.
I WIN EVERYTHING
4. I went to Peterborough last Saturday out of desperation for a change of scene. Let me tell you, it takes a lot of desperation to make Peterborough seem like a travel destination. Well, OK, Peterborough isn’t SO bad I suppose. It’s got a nice cathedral. And…a big mall. If you’re into that. I took some photos in the cathedral (surreptitiously, without paying £3 for a photo licence; I look forward to my immanent smiting) and then had a wander at random outside the town centre and stopped for a drink at the dodgiest pub I could find. And ‘dodgy for Peterborough’, grading on a curve, means VERY DODGY INDEED. I kid you not: when I walked into the pub, everyone at the bar turned and stared at me. If my life had a soundtrack (and O! how I wish it did!) there would have been a needle-yanked-off-the-record SCRAAAAATCH sound effect. Someone actually said “Are you looking for the toilets?” and I had to clarify that no, I was in fact there to have a drink.
And then the geriatric, tobacco-stained pub regulars swooped in, as they will. One of them helpfully told me that my hair is cut a bit short in the back. Another asked if that was really a German flag on the sleeve of my jacket (yes but I bought the jacket on Portobello Road so please don’t lynch me I AM NOT A GERMAN). Another one told me to smile, because women need to be told when to smile, and gave me the “It takes [random number] muscles to smile but [random larger number] muscles to frown” line. “Sounds like frowning is the better workout,” I said, and one of the female regulars went “Ooooo, look out, Dave!” I do love a properly dodgy pub.
Anyway, it killed an afternoon. Here are some of the sneaky photos I took in the cathedral.
I will admit to being perversely glad that Bonfire Night was rainy and miserable and cold. HA! Serves you right, ENGLAND, for passing over the awesomest holiday of the year in favour of a random celebration of something that happened five hundred years ago. Or rather, something that didn’t happen. “Hey, isn’t tonight the anniversary of some guy in stockings and bloomers not blowing up Parliament? Let’s go hang out at a fun fair in the rain and watch some crap fireworks!”
In other words, my Halloween was pants – PAAAAAAAANTS! – for the sixth year in a row. I should be getting used to it by now, but for reals, Halloween was always my super-number-one favouritest day of the year. I never imagined that I would move to Europe – or, That Place With all the Castles and History and That – and find NO formal celebration of ghosts and witches and spookiness. Didn’t the whole Halloween tradition, like, originate in the British Isles?? WTF???!!!!??1?
We didn’t even get a single trick-or-treater. We had to eat all that Haribo OURSELVES. And I tried to download Let the Right One In from iTunes, but it didn’t work. MY LIFE IS INTOLERABLE.
At least I’ve got The Walking Dead to look forward to. (Please don’t suck please don’t suck pleeeeeeeeaaaaaase don’t suck.)
Ice cream controversy! I love this quote: “The company said the idea of ‘conception’ represented the development of their ice cream. The use of religious imagery was in part because of the company’s commitment to ice cream and in part ‘to comment on and question, using satire and gentle humour, the relevance and hypocrisy of religion and the attitudes of the church to social issues’.”
Let’s break this down a bit. “The use of religious imagery was in part because of the company’s commitment to ice cream”. Wait – what? “We are totally committed to ice cream. Obsessed with it. We love ice cream SO MUCH that the only way we can express this love is through pictures relating to God. THAT’S how much we love ice cream, OK? Ice cream is GOD to us. We were baptized in a tub of Haagen-Dazs and we bow down before a giant Cornetto.”
Fair enough. The next bit is the best, though: the company wanted “to comment on and question, using satire and gentle humour, the relevance and hypocrisy of religion and the attitudes of the church to social issues”. Naturally they did. Because that is the duty of all manufacturers of dairy-based confections. I personally would never buy ANY foodstuffs – especially not ice cream! – if the manufacturer had not proven their ability to humorously expound upon the sensitive issues surrounding organised religion by means of their adverts. Who but the ice cream makers can gently but effectively show us the hypocrisy of the Church, while at the same time enticing us to enjoy a tasty dessert? These people are heroes! How dare we censor their message to humanity??? Only a picture of a pregnant nun eating ice cream can show us the true nature of religion and its role in our lives!
Criminy. I guess they couldn’t just tell the truth. “We thought it was funny, innit. ‘Cause she’s a nun, right? And she’s up the duff! I mean, come on, right?”
The Daily Mash, bless them, have really outdone themselves in responding to this one. (Erm, you might not want to click that link if you’re really into the whole Catholicism thing? You might have to say some Hail Marys afterwards.)
Actually, what does offend me about the advert is the caption “Immaculately conceived”. Once and for all, people, the Immaculate Conception and the virgin birth are NOT THE SAME THING. The Immaculate Conception was Mary’s conception – she was conceived without original sin (according to the ol’ poperooney) in order to be a suitable vessel for little Jehovah Junior. I’m not even Catholic and I know this. If the ice cream companies can’t get their doctrine right, how are they going to guide society’s opinions about religion? I ask you!
So it’s been a whole month since I last finished a collage sheet! That’s some good procrastinatin’, if I do say so. Anyway, I’ve finally scrounged some motivation from somewhere and completed a new one – Halloween-themed tags, plus one bookmark, made with spooky pen-and-ink vintage graphics.
I’m very proud that my home nation has been the first to step up to the plate and confront one of the most serious issues facing humanity: of course, I’m talking about the Zombie Problem. Mathematicians at Ottawa University have done some statistical predictions about how fast the infection would spread in the event of an invasion of the undead. And it isn’t a pretty picture: swine flu would become a fond memory, I can tell you.
Hee! Obviously Canadian mathematicians have a lot of time on their hands. After they’re done counting moose, or whatever.
As the season of the uncanny is drawing nigh, I’ve started putting together some autumn and Halloween themed collage sheets…