Tag Archives: politics

Everything’s gonna burn, we’ll all take turns

1. Imaginary boyfriend Marcus Parks is going to be devastated to learn that thanks to Tinder (thanks Tinder!) I’m now dating an actual real-life human male. Will wonders never cease. He’s from Essex, but I try not to hold that against him.

2. Since I’ve suddenly become a podcast person, I’ve become aware of the enormous range of podcasts on offer. Everyone has a podcast, although possibly not everyone should have a podcast. There’s a podcast where the hosts invite comedians to discuss scientific discoveries, because who better?? There’s a podcast entirely dedicated to masturbation. There’s a podcast where two guys who like wrestling try to convince another guy who doesn’t like wrestling that he should really like wrestling (I guess Guy 3 is going to have to hold out indefinitely, or it’ll just be three guys talking about how much they like wrestling, and that is a WHOLE DIFFERENT PODCAST).

Faced with this orgy of choice, I have expanded my listening repertoire somewhat, but it’s still at least 90% true crime. The best podcast in the world, though, is My Dad Wrote A Porno. It’s just what it sounds like. A dude’s dad has written an ‘erotic novel’ and he reads it out loud and takes this piss out of it with his friends. It is the best thing. The best thing.

3. The world is a goddamn dumpster fire right now. As bad as I imagined a Trump presidency would be, this is far, far worse. In all my life I have never hated another human being as much as I hate Donald Trump. I would pay up to five thousand pounds (I don’t have five thousand pounds but I would happily go into debt) for the chance to kick him once, really hard, in the nuts. I would train for that shit, too. There would be a full training montage where I practice my run-up in slow motion. And I’m pretty sure I still have some punk-rock steel-toed boots lying around. Oh man, I would kick that fucker so good.

4. On February 2nd, my Spanish colleague asked me “Today is Marmot Day, yes?” From now on it damn well is! Get Bill Murray on the phone!

5. On my walk to work I go through a major-ish junction where there’s a button you can push to activate the pedestrian crossing. Except that it doesn’t. The lights change and the walk signal comes on at exactly the same intervals whether you push the button or not. The button is a placebo. Is it even hooked up to anything? I don’t know. I guess it’s good of the traffic control engineer person to attempt to give me the illusion that I have some power to effect change. I’ll take that where I can get it right now.

6. I’ve been working on my graphic design CV (with a view to maybe one day getting a job where they pay me a living wage), and I think it looks pretty good. Fancy hiring me? I’m very reasonably priced.

Robin Camps CV 2017

Teach me to mend like a violent bride

1. There’s a shout-out to Wax Mannequin in The Burning Hell’s Grave Situation Part 3. I saw Wax Mannequin at Zaphod Beeblebrox* in Ottawa back when he was first starting out. He was crazy/amazing. There were only a handful of people in the audience but he went for it like it was his last day on Earth. Between songs, some guy called out “Rock harder!” and he shrieked back “YOU DO NOT KNOW! WHAT YOU ARE ASKING!” Anyway, I’m glad to know he’s still out there, rocking at mathematically impossible percentages. Good on ya, Wax Mannequin!

*One of the very few good things about living in Ottawa was the fact that it contains a bar called Zaphod Beeblebrox. And yes, they do serve a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster (although not exactly according to spec), which is pretty darn tasty.

2. The other day at the pub I found myself sitting between two Northern lorry drivers and a soldier from Texas and I nearly died from a violent allergic reaction to their opinions. The lorry drivers were mostly just ill-informed (“All wars are started by religion.” IS THAT SO. Explain how, say, World War One was started by religion, exactly?) but the Texan guy seemed highly educated and yet his opinions were horrifying. On the subject of poverty, he explained his belief that it is the responsibility of every person born in unfavourable circumstances to rise above those circumstances and make something of themselves. So! Let’s compare two groups of people: one living in poverty, with all that entails – higher crime rates, less access to education and decent healthcare, prevalent substance abuse, etc. – and one relatively affluent group, living in a safer environment with good schools and better employment opportunities. Now, if a higher number of people from the first group wind up in poverty, on drugs or in prison (as statistically does happen literally all of the time), that is exclusively the fault of those individual people for not pulling themselves up by the bootstraps and not the problem or responsibility of society at large in any way? Apparently yes. Well, I guess it’s good to know that the world is exactly as it should be. Poor people deserve to be poor!

On the subject of gun control, he was quite happy to admit that more guns lying around = more gun violence, but, and I quote, “You can’t get rid of it. It’s in the constitution!” Too bad the US constitution is set in stone and never ever changed in any way, huh.

3. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha